Ok I know most of what I write is metaphorical and if you aren?t in a similar place as me it may not make a whole lot of sense. It is on purpose, it is written that way so that others who are experiencing similar situations can learn from what I went through. Plus I just think that it?s a lot more interesting to read then me just ranting about life. Well to take a break from the monotony of the metaphorical post here is one that is just how it is. Sorry in advance for any regression in this entry?
The last week has been really hard on me, more so then any in recent memory. So many things happening that I honestly wish didn?t. While it was awesome in many aspects (IE. Sujo John coming, discipling Ben and Chris, pray walk, sleeping!) there were also several things that came up that really got to and now that I am somewhat removed from them I feel it?s ok to post them here, as I?ve learned to give things time before writing something publicly about them.
First was vision casting the on the night of Labor Day to the leaders/teams of crusade. It went really well but I couldn?t help but just burst out in tears afterwards. I was fine until I sat down in my chair again. The tears just erupted like some volcano that had been waiting hundreds of years. I couldn?t help but see those people I was talking to idly wasting their time and walking past opportunities, seeing myself missing opportunities. Watching those missed opportunities multiply and see the results a couple years from now, seeing those who could have been reached (had we would have been more bold and trusting in God) ask me why they hadn?t heard about Christ yet. It killed me inside and I couldn?t get that message across. As I was talking to the people in that room I could see the great hall the next week filling with people, as if the truth that was being spoken was striking a cord with the hearts of those in this room and causing that room to fill. Then no more people came in, the more truth I spoke didn?t bring in more people and it hit me that there was nothing more I could do.
Then there were the dinner line surveys. For campus crusade we run these tables so that we can find spiritually interested students on campus. It?s hard to have a movement the size of ours and have so few people sign up to help out with different time slots. Though they all ended up being staffed and we had a really good turn out (1001 filled out cards) it was more work then I had anticipated it being. Overall it was pretty good and I really enjoyed it, it?s so awesome sorting cards and reading that people want information on a personal relationship with Christ! That God has moved so much in their lives that they want to know how to know Him.
The weekend was a bit of a let down. I thought I was finally going to have a chance to hang out with guys on my floor and catch up on our summers. Instead I lost Lee Vang?s phone number and ended up making the video for Monday night that would prelude from my introduction into Sujo?s talk. It was gratifying work to do, as I hadn?t done any work in a while with video, but it was about six to eight hours of work that I hadn?t counted on doing. Though how it turned out was to a very pleasing tone for the selected atmosphere of the evening.
Next was Sunday and the morning prayer walk, needing to leave early so we could grab the guys/gals on our floor to head up to church. It was a really awesome experience and the service really spoke to me and affirmed where I am right now in ministry.
Monday was weird, Sujo was here to speak and to say I wasn?t at my A game would be accurate.. even my B game could be correct. Thankfully the event doesn?t rely on us, rather on the blessings and power of Jesus to move in the lives of those there. It went really well and the crowd looked exactly as I had seen it the week before during briefing (I was the emcee for the night, so I introduced the night and thanked them for coming). The reason the day was so weird is that one of my really good sisters was just acting off, I knew it was because of me, and I didn?t have the time until several hours later to do what I had to? talk to her. We worked through things but I know I hurt her however unintentionally and have been praying that it won?t get between us.
I?m also starting to understand what he meant when he prayed over me. The night before I left for school my dad and me went out for coffee at Dunn Brothers and while we were there this man, who I had seen there once before studying scripture as he was this night, told me that he needed to pray over and for me. Understanding the power of prayer I would never turn prayer down and I could see that his heart was pure and for the Lord. After he was done praying he prophesies for a while and the one thing he really emphasized for this year was the fact that I was going to be one of a few left standing soon. That those who were knocked down were going to look to those of us left standing for help, encouragement, guidance, and leadership. Since then I?ve seen it as well and to be honest it is the hardest part of what is going on. I could say more but this isn?t the venue or time.
All in all it?s been a week that has challenged me and forced me to grow so much in my Faith. Watching what God is doing on this campus is a blessing beyond anything I could have every dreamt to ask for. Right now I?m just looking forward to some rest and time with Him who I labor for. Soon enough it will be here, then my feet will be rested and my lungs ready to go again. God bless you.
Keep seeking His face,
~paul